a requiem for the living.

2011-10-20T03:22:00.003+08:00

She speaks, repeating the old litanies, of worn accusations breathed anew, of calamitous windfalls, and I listen, to the raspy phonetics of the finite, the ticker tape is coming to the end of the roll, and I listen, aggrieved, for she knows, her swansong is nigh, the circle of 5ths, no longer more.

time skips

2011-10-12T02:34:00.003+08:00

I have some unexpected spare time today. Not at the right time to address the present calls of love and duty, but enough such that I learn past lessons and experience the old as new. Earlier on this year, there were two prominent cards, and I had to make a choice between the two. I think I did, and now I miss the other. But I remain transfixed, unable and unwilling to cross the yawning chasm of

and it all comes together!

2011-08-30T01:56:00.003+08:00

With hysteric hilarity, I stand outside, looking in, there I belong. Nowhere, no where, not knowing how to write the right despite knowing what went wrong. To conform, I refuse, a moot point, I have no ability to. I am more inflexible than I thought I was, and in that, as rigid as you are.

beethoven's symphony no.7 2nd mvt

2011-02-23T01:14:00.003+08:00

The choice is made, the show must go on.

again,

2011-01-03T23:51:00.003+08:00

I start, somewhere else, but it's so different this time. Before, it was with tears and longing for the forbidden, and now, this beginning is such a stark contrast, even if imbued with the same feelings of anxiety.I have a sky of pearly stars and amber streaks before me, in a haven of new-old. These stars, I never saw, but they look like those I once knew so well, much lower, colder, but I was

towards that something

2010-11-01T01:00:00.002+08:00

In a year, who would have foreseen, that no books were read, no music was made, half the person I was, am no longer, I have given my soul away, maybe willingly, maybe helplessly, bought by the false yet so beguiling illusion that it was for a greater purpose, and so, I realise now, that I had sold myself too cheaply. I think, no more, but half of my life is not my own, and so, swept away I am, by

In the alley of shadows and death

2009-12-06T16:48:00.001+08:00

I sit here, where I've sought refuge for three months of my life. It's not the most pleasant of environments, one could speak disparagingly of the darkened tiles, whirring drone of air-con vents, smothered between tall buildings, with odd splashes of dusky green, but it's one of those crooks and crannies that I'm particularly fond of. Such is the strength of personal associations through

Masking Tape

2009-12-02T11:42:00.001+08:00

Reliving, recreating, the undoing, the false becoming.

another end of the world

2009-11-17T13:50:00.002+08:00

where a dear friend passed away, people fell through the cracks to the abyss below of cold green. I grabbed my tsumori chisato dress, verdi and mozart scores, kitkat and dumped it all into my bag which once belonged to Mary Poppins. The buses were filled with people who behaved like automatons even in the time of crisis, and there weren't any animals around for some reason. I remember thinking

the beginnings of post-mortem

2009-11-10T15:16:00.002+08:00

So college is winding down, somewhat, this is the first free Tuesday I've had in this entire year (excluding MCs). It feels good to go home in the afternoon, like the rest of my colleagues, not having to stay behind and watch everyone leave before me.False lull, for this is the only week of rest I'm getting before it all starts up again. There's the performances in Dec, the arduous planning of

Upset

2009-11-04T23:44:00.002+08:00

And sick with worry, and tired of my dysfunctional role as confidante, but it can never be relinquished, for fears that are all too real.

Sad but true

2009-10-10T18:18:00.002+08:00

I'm too old for all this, hear the polyphonic creaking of bones

a dramatic weekend of sorts.

2009-09-28T19:55:00.002+08:00

Both on the work front, and elsewhere. Swept away all too easily, it seems. But I have not forgotten the bitter undercurrent of endless desire, it's just.. I will soon have a mortgage to pay. As do we all, I suppose. Today, I heard from them, them whom I've spent a quarter of my life with and then, lost contact. Happy, excited, that there's a new project that's coming up and I'm thrilled at the

for nights such as these

2009-09-27T04:25:00.002+08:00

such nights they are, that i think of the many, and always, and always, near and yet so far gone, with that half-smile which betrays not a single tear.

as it settles, like fairy dust long expired

2009-09-03T23:35:00.002+08:00

Sometimes, after classes, I'm on an unbelievable high, endorphins all fired up from good music. Then, the crash. I've been reading Schopenhauer again, so that could be part of the reason. When one considers our imprisonment, shackled by the endless yearning and desire, of course tragedy will lie in its promised unfulfillment. Have there ever been happy endings? Now, immersed in monads from the

in the momentary throes of wicked nostalgia (because one can't stir things back)

2009-08-31T19:06:00.001+08:00

When seen retrospectively, life always makes such harrowing dramatic sense. Will I change what I've done, or will I not, these questions are moot but they haunt, and there can be no answers, for nothing will alter those days of which choices are made, doors are closed, cutting off of limbs, and today, I find myself a poorer person, laden with burdens of the past, of my own making, my favourite

action, reaction.

2009-08-26T20:33:00.001+08:00

It seems as if those mad days of work have arrived. And these days which are upon me, have stolen my words, robbed all thought, bereft and devoid of feelings, I am no longer myself, but a small cog in the greater scheme of things which must continue to turn, turn, wear-and-tear, but turn. I am slowly believing that there will never be anything more to this rinse-and-repeat formula. They sell

Let's see if this works

2009-08-26T08:21:00.002+08:00

Am typing this from the iPhone with this app. Hmmmm. End of august. Can you hear the silent cadence?

a knotted spiel

2009-08-16T22:01:00.001+08:00

It's the middle of August, where does the time go? I have a growing list of things-to-do, and none of them have been crossed out. Like, getting a driving instructor who will pick me up from the college and take me to the driving routes (yes I know I'm asking quite a far bit but I'm willing to pay), seeing a physiotherapist for my wrist (aha, this one will have a checkmark next to it soon),

2009-08-10T15:32:00.001+08:00

More holidays, please, more holidays

in between, twixt.

2009-08-05T21:44:00.000+08:00

There are so many things I want to do, to learn, to listen, to read, to love, to cry, to mend things back, to undo. Am listening to the somersaults and pyrotechnics of voices long past, are great times truly dust? There aren't voices like Sutherland or Corelli anymore. Or Leontyne Price. I will like to play again, the way I used to. Then, maybe, I can choose not to understand the world.

sneezing powder

2009-07-31T18:09:00.002+08:00

a fine specimen of that in music would be paisello's barber of seville, another cog turning, and i hope the chain breaks with me but that is hope speaking and speaking of which, $50 worth of hope i bought yesterday from the shop to magick 3 mil from fifty but all i got was thirty am not unhappy, for one should not ever be too greedy.

quickly

2009-07-21T12:01:00.002+08:00

And before you know it, it's over, before you even quite knew how it happened, even though you knew this day would come, and that's it, the finality rends, for all is gone, but one keeps moving, the world doesn't stop for you or anyone else, and with that, time does heal in a strange way, for with time, choices that were once open are closed, and that such choices made are now forever and

oh.

2009-07-20T13:33:00.001+08:00

I had already forgotten.

this is for you

2009-07-01T17:55:00.002+08:00

for all that music be the only relay, yet nothing can or will ever suffice.

coming to terms; new beginnings.

2009-06-10T04:30:00.002+08:00

Berlin and back, survived (surviving), now the jetlag and late nights, which are now in hindsight preciously sought after. Was very happy at the big surprise before I left, these days it's all smiles and happy thoughts. :) Things happened in Berlin, inside and out, whenever I can steal some time for myself, and I think, and I miss, or maybe, it's the other way round. In any case, I'm back home,

about work, of course.

2009-05-09T11:39:00.005+08:00

I had a string of nightmares about work last night. Not that I really remember what they are about, but big generic topics leap out at me from somewhere, like Failure, Failure and Failure. The last one was slightly different. It involved me trailing after a certain big shot who was decked from head to toe in two mink coats, a shiny cane, shades, very pimp, doncha know. And I was so angry, that it

aleatory beckons.

2009-05-04T00:50:00.003+08:00

Heine aside, I've never quite enjoyed the month of may. There are always too many things to do, too little sleep, too many regrets, and then. Life is quite placid on the social front. Since I've started work at the college, pulling 14 hour days has become the norm, not to mention having to go home and continue working..! Is everywhere the same, I wonder. Probably so, except they are paid twice my

and more milestones.

2009-04-10T02:16:00.003+08:00

Points of arrivals and departures occuring simultaneously once more, breathless, no time to think, no time to sort out the threads from the imbroglio, only the savouring of sweet company in the nights where I can call my life my own, even if it's just for a little while before another dawn.

occupational hazard.

2009-03-25T18:36:00.003+08:00

Always, the tightness in the chest, the sensation of the heart all choked up with the memory of tears once shed.

like that.

2009-03-19T12:43:00.006+08:00

Like the sprinkling of snow, and then, the sheets of ice on charcoal pavement, pavement that have felt the footsteps of many passing and going, where those who should stay, didn't, and those who didn't have to, never did. Who belongs, but you, and me, and the other green bottles. The piano is of no solace as the turn of my mind is not inclined towards creating the phantasmagorical, not now. And

Ein muss sein!

2009-03-13T23:42:00.001+08:00

You do, don't you?

the sigh of the earth

2009-03-11T21:35:00.002+08:00

weary, all around to be baptised repeatedly by the rays of our suns (and moons), we need i think i understand again.

=_=

2009-03-08T22:20:00.002+08:00

the face, i wear, upon receiving some unwelcome news. BAH!

Presenting: the Sublime.

2009-03-07T14:49:00.001+08:00

How are you doing?

at these times, i remember

2009-03-03T21:47:00.001+08:00

all the dreams i once had, and that they are left unfulfilled.

sleepy and tired, i should think more, i think

2009-03-03T00:01:00.004+08:00

There are now two iPhones in the house. Both black, one with fancy widgets and one without. Guess whose phone doesn't have the applications... and Why Not... It is almost the end of one term, and I have an additional 2 kg on my frame and some wrinkles to show for it. Oh, and much less hair. I am shedding hair like cat going Poof when I scoop her up and sing Verdi to her. This, I attribute solely

tomorrow, the precious saturday is wasted

2009-02-28T00:22:00.004+08:00

and if i may add, it's not for a good cause, but for something hideously (un)necessary. i am so angry. but only because i can't do anything to change it. i believe i haven't been so unhappy for a very long time. but then, these days, pettiness gets the better of me, as with the mental scuffed knuckles. At least, that's the reason proffered to preserve some semblance of (un)self-governance, but i

beyond tired

2009-02-24T00:56:00.001+08:00

and to think we've not even reached the quarter of 2009.

It's Monday...

2009-02-23T01:15:00.001+08:00

SIGH

rinse and repeat x 5 years, and in between, lots of commas.

2009-02-16T22:56:00.002+08:00

I shouldn't be blogging now, really, not when I've lessons to prepare but I figured I need some time out. You know. Just some time to actually write, to construct, and then, to deconstruct and fall apart upon the realisation that I have only passed the time and not the trials. But I am getting ahead of myself. And now, I don't really know what it is that I want to say, except that I wished I

lying awake,

2009-01-28T01:11:00.004+08:00

i think of the many unsaid things over the past few years, to the people i care about most. and again, i revisit the reasons why i remain silent, for i have almost forgotten. then, the falling of burgundy curtains as i remember, and am once again rendered still.

horrifically tired, and maybe, a little sad.

2009-01-21T00:37:00.003+08:00

There must be a better way, surely. On the bright side, I have good friends, endearing students, and a new toy rat.

sotto voce.

2009-01-15T23:39:00.001+08:00

If that turns out to be the truth, I don't think I'll ever forgive myself.

growing up.

2009-01-06T03:00:00.005+08:00

I'm blogging twice in a day because I am awake, with a insatiable urge to scratch the ringworm patches (gift from cat) but I can't. I could possibly continue to read Taruskin's exhaustive tome on Western Music History, but I don't really want to. Not because it's dull (it's fabulous, really), but it's just not the same reading it while drinking coffee. Things go in faster that way.Someone, once

(school is starting soon,)

2009-01-05T23:05:00.002+08:00

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOoooooooooooooooooooooooo. . . . . . . . . .

with that bit of irony and truth.

2008-12-18T23:44:00.005+08:00

Had a bit of a scare earlier, when I started typing in the search toolbar and chinese characters popped out. (Please take into consideration that I am a tech-noob, and will go into spasms at things like these. Imagine trying to google how to fix it when all the letters you type emerge as foreign chinese characters. But as you can see, I obviously solved it but not without help, ah, help.) The

a tangle.

2008-12-09T12:50:00.005+08:00

I look at you sometimes, be it with eyes or mind, and hear the undertones of longing. It stretches too far both behind and ahead, with bicoloured markings of handprints, that creates fettered chains in its quest for an imagined freedom. This I know, despite it not being seen for what it is, apart from fragile and contrived vivacity. It's either you or me - that you don't understand it had never

one of the hardest things about life

2008-11-16T12:17:00.004+08:00

is learning that you'll never be able to make all your loved ones happy at the same time (where 1 week < t < possibly a lifetime).

a tight paper ball almost makes one a paper doll

2008-10-29T23:43:00.010+08:00

Another whirlwind of events, of many things that are made up of nothing, such is the importance of peripherals, you see. For me, it is the journey between face, gaze and fingers, the touch of bardic cadences on the heart, the warmth of a new family member, and the exchange of inner silence for the (now) muted scores.

2008-10-23T18:35:00.002+08:00

If only you knew how difficult it is for me to undo all that.

the last stand, not, maybe.

2008-10-13T01:19:00.000+08:00

It seems as if I am perpetually stressed and high-strung and hysterical over PW, which is causing me a lot of grief. I want the kids to do well and am extremely worried for them (1 week to 1st deadline), to the point that I now have eczema patches on my neck and leg from stress and it's so itchy and I can't help scratching. I never had these eczema patches even when I was horrifically stressed

disappointed, but we roll on, learning, that smiles conceal knives.

2008-10-03T00:07:00.004+08:00

I just have to get used to it. So. One is taking refuge in Debussy's Pelleas et Melisande, such wonderful gorgeous and sensuous music. I can't quite decide which is my favourite bit, though it's probably Act IV scene IV. At the end of that scene, Melisande sighs, 'I am happy, but I am also sad.'Different reasons aside, I couldn't have said it better myself.

as the room somewhat spins

2008-09-17T23:48:00.001+08:00

Dreadfully exhausted, I am.

since i won't be sleeping tonight,

2008-09-15T21:51:00.003+08:00

A flurry of events, coupled with piercing jabs, like muay thai, don't you know. Not that I know how that feels like, but facile is thought and think, such is the nature of life when least like. Chains of generations past, tangle the woven web, that should brook for no interference, and yet, the forced compromise. I forgot to bring back my stack of marking for tomorrow. Flipping tables, I am.

man is born free, and everywhere he is in chains.

2008-09-13T22:21:00.004+08:00

You know how sometimes the false world descends, and lifts up, the slanted glimpse of sunlight just bright enough to rouse the sleeping Unwanted, father of the Unwanted Necessary. That it is only too easy to have him sleep for the next few days, this effortless flick of a wrist, and that it does not hurt - that is what hurts the most, I think. Localising things now, it's all heating up to a mad

never and always.

2008-09-08T18:24:00.003+08:00

I have spoken to a few about the power of the mind over the years, self-fulfilling prophecies, the penchant for self-sabotage, standing fast in bad faith to avoid challenging passion's illusions (somewhat cosi fan tutte), that sorta thing. It's not that bad now, I have somewhat learned, but each fall and slip ironically engenders even more pessimism and gloom due to its relative infrequency. One

before september slavery kicks in; batti, batti.

2008-09-01T09:05:00.004+08:00

Against my better judgment (one of those rare times, anyway), I've caved in and bought Laclos' Les Liaisons dangereuses. This is one book which I've always wanted to buy. Have started reading it and now, I find it exceedingly difficult to put the book down. And there are so many other important matters at hand to attend to..! Not to mention the tons of other books (for work and for leisure) that

while i lie sick in bed, as gloomy as one can be

2008-08-25T13:18:00.004+08:00

I've started practising piano again. Well, that's not exactly true, since I only practised semi-seriously on Friday and haven't touched the piano since, but it's a start. So I revived the Scriabin, that which I hold so dear to my heart, and as I played through it, I could hear my teacher in London dictating to me, do this, do that, fingerwork here, keep the 2 against 3 more precise, along with

strange days are upon us/me.

2008-08-18T17:12:00.001+08:00

A case of having too many deja vus, the sense of doing something that I have already done before whilst asleep, while I lie sleeping, in dreams, you see. Of course, I might be wrong, and also, I might be right. It just leaves me feeling decidedly queer, and a little despondent, for there will be no end to the number of signs I deign to see or claim to remember. I trust yet suspect my feelings,

as i see and not see, as i hear and not hear

2008-08-15T17:58:00.000+08:00

i shall learn, amid much wrenching of heart, for the distant present, and dislocations past.

5 min break.

2008-08-11T12:47:00.002+08:00

College is getting crazy, but fun. Probably because I'm seeing the kids more often after that sick bout, and incorporating more performance in lessons. It's easy to get lost in the quagmire of endless articles, we've to return to the music once in a while. It's Mozart's String Quartet now, K. 421. Mozart is God. So is Beethoven, Verdi, Berg and many others, I suppose. Okay, time to continue

rawr rawr rawr rawr rawr

2008-07-31T12:19:00.003+08:00

So. I am sick. Again. Today is the 5th day of MCs that I have taken in the last two weeks. To be blessed with a hearty constitution...! And and and! I realized that yesterday marks the first day that I've reached the magic number 5. Only 5 more years to serve! (No cold water please) Things have been happening in the college, like, of the super drama ilk. But those are stories for another time, I

just so to say.

2008-07-26T22:50:00.004+08:00

I sprained my ankle last Sunday. The same one that I sprained a year ago. It's not that bad now, but it throbs occasionally. Then, I fell ill, so ill that I had a magnificent 4 days of MC. Sounds great, but it wasn't. I was in bed all the time trying to sleep but not getting any due to the incapacitating pain in my head and worrying about work. I hate headaches. Lots of other things happened, of

because, (not allowed)

2008-07-18T16:14:00.003+08:00

This week, as promised, is action-packed. I am tired, but in a good way. One of my kids asked me today, why is it that I chose to do what I am doing now, and I couldn't answer her. Mummy texted me today. She is working hard. I have stopped ________, because, (not allowed).

2008-07-09T00:55:00.001+08:00

I have relocated to another table in the staffroom. Ten steps closer to the printer! (And this is a joyous occasion, really. I found a dead cockroach under my old table 3 cm away from my foot.) So. This week and the rest of the month is filled with promise, promise of exciting stuff on my social calender, that is. Sorely lacking since i-don't-know-when-or-how. But no matter, today's long-overdue

20/20 hindsight.

2008-07-02T22:53:00.003+08:00

Crushing news today wrt work, and things aren't going to change for a very long time. And because things are the way they are now, I have regrets. But will try to turn it around, as we all do. The alternative is whinging - not that I am not doing that now, but I can't do that forever, unjustified, not allowed. And the wheel continues to turn.

the first week of work

2008-06-29T21:21:00.003+08:00

and it has been exhausting. to think that this is just the breather before the real deal..! but i'm happy to be back among my friends.

kitchen adventures

2008-06-24T22:01:00.005+08:00

I last did that in 2006, even so, i think i am an idiot, because I forgot how to cook rice today. It came out as sticky grainy porridge, which wasn't very nice. I think I will stick to takeaways.

2008-06-23T21:46:00.003+08:00

It's a strange thing to have all these expectations, spuriously egged on (by yourself), and have them all sink, like a very bad dinner, right in the centre of your tummy, and then, the somersault of an hourglass, these are no longer yours, but their expectations. Not stolen, for nothing can ever be stolen from you if it hadn't belonged to you in the first place. That is called a delusion, a

exasperated.

2008-06-19T13:11:00.002+08:00

Over something very silly yet important. Tempted to unleash the fury within but as we all know, quick-fix-its cost the skies and above, something all too familiar, this currency of vanity. On the next crochet, I find myself impaled on a fork that screams WORK and all my plans to meet old friends this week have gone kaput. I could do with a social life planner, methinks. And a coffee from Nero.

keeping it real, as they like to say.

2008-06-17T00:50:00.004+08:00

It's too easy to blame my nature, as if it is a separate entity and not a living part of me. You know. 'Useless appendage.' 'Cracked glasses.' That kinda thing. Not that those are excuses, but I think you kind of get what I mean, even if I'm not saying it very well. I'm talking about thought slavery. I think. Sometimes, the words pour out of me. Redundant, irrelevant, pedantic, as I leapfrog all

dreading

2008-06-15T16:23:00.003+08:00

so many things! but namely, the beginning of term, which commences in a week, and after that, i shall have no life to speak of. still - i'm approaching the end of one year. five more to go. somehow, that doesn't quite make me quite as happy as i should be. should i? i have a lot to be thankful for. i will count my blessings.

at moments like these (cue _______ )

2008-06-14T00:18:00.002+08:00

you realize you're no longer young, but still as foolish as you were at 21.

just for fun.

2008-06-07T18:13:00.002+08:00

Found this off a blog. Books I've read/own are in bold, and those in italics are those which I started and never quite finished/halfway. Underlined are those that have been on the want list for a very long time.Jonathan Strange & Mr NorrellAnna KareninaCrime and PunishmentCatch-22One Hundred Years of Solitude (I have this lying somewhere, but not read) Wuthering Heights The SilmarillionLife of Pi

2008-06-04T18:22:00.002+08:00

I know, I haven't been around, no thanks to a major bout of fever and NIE. Thankfully, it's the death throes that are in session now, but it's still very painful and frustrating. But I'm learning to look on the bright side of things. Something along the lines of Beaumarchais's Figaro, "I forced myself to laugh at everything for fear of having to weep." Not that I am close to being weepy or

2008-05-27T22:39:00.002+08:00

Why is it that I always seem to fall ill when I have no classes to attend? This sucks.

the eternal return.

2008-05-23T22:39:00.002+08:00

NIE is fast coming to an end. There are still 3 weeks to bear, but the end is in sight! There are many things I want to do, like attend ALL the events for the Singapore Arts Fest. Anyone up for the London Sin.? There's Ligeti, yeay. Life is stranger than I think, and yet not. Everything repeats after a while. I think of Nietzsche.

but of course.

2008-05-07T22:48:00.003+08:00

Of course I meant to be sarcastic, even if only on the inside and never to be vocalised. Half of life never quite takes place on the outside anyway, it's all about the evil carousel barrel organ, the malicious ear worm, the fugal poisonous themes which corrode the Intangibles with each insidious repetition - for it's impossible to deal with that kind of momentum without creating new scars to

joy!

2008-05-07T16:49:00.003+08:00

The news is out, I'm posted to the college of my choice! Reunion, my friends! Reunion! I will only be teaching Music! I can eat my favourite stir-fried chicken from the Malay stall every Tuesday and Friday! Now, to endure an excruciating month at the Land of Boring Beige. And Math lessons. Must. Pass. Math. Exam. This. Time. Or. I. Don't. Graduate.

the gordian knot

2008-04-29T14:14:00.003+08:00

sometimes, it's the 1st movement of Tchaikovsky's 5th and other times, the finale of Tchaikovsky's 5th does just fine. It is too hot even for words to tailgate, and much too hot for foolish play.

shaded shapes of longing

2008-04-28T21:11:00.001+08:00

Some things, you just know. So in this sense, things haven't really changed. I know I haven't.

on the deciding 8th of may

2008-04-27T18:03:00.002+08:00

the road will be a tad bit clearer. And happier, that is my hope.

pieta, thrice called

2008-04-19T01:01:00.005+08:00

Let me see. I believe I have misplaced a few scripts, and some personal items. And a stack of new worksheets meant for my class. Then, there are the ugly fetters of colour and sound, but that no longer bears mentioning. But I get through the day miraculously, because today is the first day since the start of practicum that I have a bit of time to myself, and spoken to/texted/met my dearest

so.

2008-04-14T09:06:00.008+08:00

Last night, before going to bed, I was watching the M.H./Joffrey Ballet's reconstruction of Stravinsky's le Sacre du printemps in preparation for my lesson observation by VIPs on Wed, relishing with great delight the awkward postures of the dancers, the 'knock-kneed Lolitas', and of course, the wondrous discordant primal music which still leaves me fascinated after so many years. Hence, I dreamt

2008-04-11T02:07:00.002+08:00

One more month to the end of practicum! The end is in sight! Which means, a stretch of 5 years of full-blown teaching will be commencing in June. Fingers crossed as to which school I'll be posted to.

RANT

2008-04-06T15:14:00.004+08:00

I have been out of action since Thursday night after meeting up with Jing. Sneezing, wheezing, sniffling, coughing, and the likes. Thankfully, Friday was Sports Day so even if I took an MC (which I did), I won't be missing any classes. Missing classes are bad. The doctor's diagnosis is that not only do I have flu, I am also suffering from chronic fatigue. He advised me to change jobs. I told my

things are so crazy now

2008-04-02T11:40:00.003+08:00

with work, that is. But as Yang'en said, it's my lack of discipline, as exemplified by this blog entry in school when I have gazillion more lessons to prepare and what not. But I have been working hard - really. Anyway. I just wanted to say that I'm very happy listening to all this music for lesson preparation. Yah. (Read between the lines, please) And as I investigate more about Copland's Rodeo,

not so much immune, but ambivalent.

2008-03-30T17:30:00.003+08:00

There are so many things I want to do after practicum. Kind of counting my chickens before they hatch, huh. But seriously though, there are all the friends to catch up with, pieces to learn, music to listen to, and I need to start exercising, I'm no longer getting fat, but I am fat. Anyway, it's hard to do all that when one wakes up at 6 in the morning, and knocks off about 8 everyday. And now

the waiting game.

2008-03-24T18:37:00.003+08:00

I have the book! Stormed Fortress by Janny Wurts! The book which I waited for years! SHRIEKS! And I finished reading it in the span of two days (and managed to finish up part of my work before reading it, cue congratulatory pat on back). That a few years of wait can culminate in 611 pages..! Devoured in the span of mere hours, now I find myself back in the same place, waiting for the next book to

gesticulating wildly, long-suffering continuum

2008-03-12T09:41:00.003+08:00

The book I've been waiting for over three years has been released since October last year and I DIDN'T KNOW! It's the conclusion to Arc III of Janny Wurts Shadow and Light series - Stormed Fortress - and it's not available in Singapore. Why! Why! Why! And knowing that I could have read it a long time ago makes me want to do silly things like jump on the bed with angst and chew off the corner of

that place one treads

2008-03-11T11:42:00.003+08:00

i've been having nightmares of the future. the world's end. it's been going on for a few weeks now, so i can't blame it on the incessant headache i have at my right temple since the wisdom teeth extraction. the death of the world always changes though. it was rabid dogs last night, dogs which used to be human and they had flowing white silky hair. or fur. whichever. but the end is always

the insidious invisible influenced

2008-03-07T13:58:00.003+08:00

I have a mother of all headaches, like a sledgehammer pounding away at my right temple. But it's not as bad as it could be because I ate some chocolate today. What has that got to do with it, Everything, I say, and now I also have a tummy ache that could be due to gastric or too much milk, I can't really tell, and I don't even know where I came up with the idea that milk gives one tummyaches. I

restless and in pain = whinge post

2008-03-05T15:23:00.003+08:00

Dental is over, now to ride out the pain and agony from not being able to eat what I want to eat. It's porridge and bread so far, how terribly exciting. So this is my list of food which I want to eat when I recover, but not necessarily in order: 1. bak ku teh2. zhu zhar tang3. laksa4. pancakes5. cakes6. scones7. roast pork8. hokkien mee 9. nasi lemak with at least three chicken wings10. tang

the past week or so, of the ties that hold and bind

2008-03-04T08:53:00.006+08:00

I've never been so happy (towards the end) to make that connection, grasping at tendrils of a past time which somehow holds meaning in the present, and I ask myself just what that means, what that signifies, and how much (or little) of it is contrived, and why that should be so important a factor. My world, as large as it seems to me, is still so small. In stark comparison to.I will and must

2008-02-25T21:50:00.002+08:00

On another bimbotic but totally unrelated note. I need to lose weight. Hopefully extraction of teeth will do the trick. Woop.

drowsing, and drowning in work, oh franck! you make my soul weep

2008-02-22T18:02:00.008+08:00

petals, unfurled revealing there are only open secrets, i suppose on a bimbotic note, i fell down the stairs today and broke part of my toenail. and it was such an arduous effort on my part to grow out my toenails (i usually like them short and stubby, for the convenience, it's one of my protracted boy moments). there goes my plan for a french pedicure. i knew such things, girly or otherwise,

shipwrecked

2008-02-19T09:57:00.006+08:00

My wisdom tooth is growing out, but in the wrong angle, and it's remarkably painful. Like, there's this searing pain at the secret swollen corner of my mouth, coupled with a huge-ass ulcer and it makes me want to dig the entire thing out with a scalpel or something that will result in less pain and lots of deep red viscous blood for my effort. Visible and instant gratification, don't you know?

the month of february

2008-02-16T05:50:00.004+08:00

so it's at times like thesewhen the line between self love, self preservation and selflessness (if there is such a word) is nowhere to be foundthat one relearns the meaning of strength and the cost of silence/speech which, in its proper untainted context, isn't too high a price to pay

curling up

2008-02-11T13:54:00.000+08:00

let me be, let me furiously sleep, and slip away into wake me up when September it/NIE/practicum ends.