Monday, September 13, 2004

Had tea with a friend today, and he inadvertently said:

"I feel old, but not old enough."

The simplicity of that sentence overwhelmed me, for that is exactly how I feel.

The daily drudge of mundane affairs and the clockwork routine of life saps your energy, like an unwanted parasite. Multitude of tedious tasks plague you to no end: monotony breeds lethargy. The night doesn't hold any respite either, but instead, creates a sense of apprehension and resignation at the looming dawn.

That being said, as weary as I feel, I've yet to reach the quintessential level of maturity for a 21-year-old.

I believe age and responsibility are directly proportional to each other. (Until you're a doddering old fool with half your teeth left. You won't be able to even think by then.) Not that you would definitely be more responsible as you grow older, but simply, more burdens would be thrown at you.

As a full-fledged adult (yucks), a whole new host of problems enter the picture. Providing for the family cuz my parents aren't getting any younger, my siblings' education, watching over them as individuals, future housing, how much money to set aside for future medical expenses for my parents... and this is just regarding my family.

The underlying root of it all is money. Not that money would solve all my problems. But hell, it'd make matters a whole lot easier.

It's not just monetary troubles. There are other unseen complications. But who doesn't have any? We're all plagued by problems. Persistent shadows, that's what they are. Shadows of underlying doubt and fear.

I don't want to deal with these problems. I just want to scurry away to London, study study study, and not fret and worry about these bugging issues. Out of sight, out of mind. Yet, how long can I run away for? I should stand fast and deal with them squarely. But I don't. I don't want to.

It's shity, but I'm simply not brave and mature enough to face up to reality.

Honestly, I'm just a pampered kid who happens to be 21. A student garbed in a teacher's attire.

I've been masquerading all this while.

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

of days gone past.
i need to gripe for a bit.
I'm still there.
foolish things.
It took an astounding amount of effort for her to ...
It's funny how words are so powerful, and has so m...
whose way.
"Procrastimation is like masturbation: at first it...
midpoint.

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.