Friday, November 19, 2004

how to get mugged.

Sodden shoes and clammy socks.

Hate it.

Anyway.

For those not in the know, The Mother and Tiny Scrawny Cousin have returned from Barcelona with a brown tan. They're also 600quid poorer, after a fateful encounter with 4 burly guys masquerading as 'policemen'.

But at least they're safe. Apart from a bleeding pocket and bouts of mild hysteria (my money!! my money!!), they've no gaping wounds whatsoever. Thank goodness for that.

You know, I thought I was Blur Queen. Apparently, I've been outranked and outclassed by the Blur Empress Dowager aka The Mother. What do you do when a freakin' stranger comes up to you in a foreign country and asks you for directions? Of course you RUN AWAY right? Common sense! When strangers ask you for your wallet, what do you do? Of course you RUN AWAY TOO right?? But nooooo, The Mother is a true blue Singaporean right down to her toes. She obeyed what she perceived to be 'authority' and meekly handed over her wallet.

.... Sigh. My family has a strange affinity with thefts.

I've tons of personal experience under my belt, and I thought I'd come up with the following guidelines on How-To-Get-Mugged / Cheated / Pickpocketed. Adhere to them religiously, for a memorable life-changing experience! 'Confirmed, guaranteed, plus chop'.

This is the low-down:

1. Always look bulliable. e.g. Lynne Huang: #1 target for Gypsies.

2. You don't have to carry your passport with you, just leave it in your suitcase.

3. Of course, you can always leave your luggage unattended anywhere, even in the car boot. It's perfectly safe.

4. Be glamorous, and do not clutch your tote bag under your armpit. Just hold it loosely with your fingers, and the arm should be relaxed and hanging down. For immediate effect, hang around at King's Cross on a Sunday morning.

5. When squeezing through a crowd to get to a bus, leave your mobile in an open coat pocket. Your mobile should disappear between the time you start pushing through them, and sitting down on the bus.

6. Be a kind soul and help out poor but dodgy folks who are lost in European countries.

7. Always trust strangers, even if that means handing your wallet (and all your cash) over for a while.

8. When asked: 'Are you a tourist?", always reply in the affirmative. And give additional information if possible: "Yes yes, it's my 1st time here." "We don't really know our way around too." Etc etc.

9. Always endeavor to be at the wrong place at the wrong time. For further instructions, go on to the next point.

10. Hang out with Lynne Huang, cuz she not only has an amazing knack for bad timing, she's a Sucker-For-Disasters, and also #1 Ultimate-Sway-To-The-Max. With her around, it's only a matter of time before you'd be mugged / robbed / pickpocketed.

Those are the essential top 10 rules to follow, any takers? Haha.

Going out with them tomorrow. Blur-Empress-Dowager + Tiny-Scrawny-Defenceless-Cousin + Bulliable-Lump-Of-Lard = Precarious-Situation-For-Us = Pickpocket's-Idea-Of-Walking-Cash-Machines.

*crosses fingers reflexively*

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

ego booster.
random thought.
synopsis of the fallen woman.
invasion of the petites.
"..and one eric can-to-naaaaaaa!"
It's amazing how playing on a Steinway or Bosendor...
whatever..
split guts = split milk.
come, let us find elements of BDSM in Wagner.
fingers are not moving, ears are not listening.

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
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July 2009
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November 2009
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November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.