Saturday, June 11, 2005

'loss' is slowly tattooed onto my skull.

But over all things brooding slept
The quiet sense of something lost.
-Lord Alfred Tennyson

Back from Majorca and Barcelona. I thought I'd have a huge photoblog filled with sunshine, sunshine and more sunshine, but I can't muster any positive energy right now. (Jo beat me to it anyway, click here.) Not when I think about the multitude of tasks that are lying in wait for me, screaming at the back of my mind to be completed by the dreaded 14th June.

Is this all there is? Or rather, is it really over?

And I think of everything that I'm going to miss: the liberatine lifestyle I lead, the open culture, the fantastic concerts, KCL Music Dept, the ratty Steinway piano, my unique Canterbury Hall room (the only one with clothes for a carpet), even my squealing toilet tap...

Especially the people. All my close friends that I've made over the three years in London: JoJo Vincent Marcus Danny Gooizhen Lee Yang Louisa Clarinda Mary Cass Will Kirsh and so many more that I've yet to mention. The thought that I'd never ever, EVER, see them again is heartrending.

I've accumulated enough regrets over the past three years to have them stacked all the way to the moon. And I just want to end this year without one? There are so many things that I yearn to say without the stifling constraints of social conventions, my overweening pride and fear, but yield to them I must, I lack the courage. Regretting and mourning over 'what ifs' is really such a bloody waste of time, ideally we should just drop it, forgive ourselves and just move on. But I can understand why we can't let go, where it feels perversely spiffy to indulge in them? Relishing them, even. Sometimes I think self-pity is the greatest form of narcissism.

Today, I also realized just how much my friends mean to me, especially Jo and Vincent. I love you guys so much you know? I can't believe I'm not going to see you guys next semester. Big hugs to both of you, it's been a really long day.

Okay okay it's really late, I'm knackered and I've let my emotions get ahead of me. I'm going to stop here, before I start blubbering and embarrassing myself in an ostentatious display of mush. Which is a no-no. I look awful enough with my impossibly-distended belly from comfort junk food, though it'd probably bring out my dark eyebags most beautifully I don't need red swollen eyes to go with it.

"Big.. girls.. don't.. cry! Big.. girls.. don't.. cry!"

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

ola, ola!
v. long post and photo overload!
i am DONE with my degree:
practise practice practise practice practise
mwahahha.
lynne the blooming hermit.
i hope i'm PMS-ing.
a bad day, a good laugh.
in love.
FULL LYNNE PANIC!!!!!

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.