Tuesday, October 31, 2006

a quick one.

I'd stepped out of the building to buy some dinner, and was promptly ambushed by a very short skeleton. At least, I think that's what his costume is, it had horizontal white stripes on black, and to be honest, it didn't really go very well with his purple hairy monster mask. Major fashion faux pas. And he chimed:

"Trick or treat?"

Aghast. "I'm sorry, I don't have any sweets at the moment."

"What? You don't?"

Helplessly: "No, I don't."

And he burst out crying? Omg, what are the odds? He wailed incessantly forever, and I kept shushing him, furtively looking left and right for any ferocious parental dragons, ready to pounce on me with handcuffs on the counts of child abuse. I capitulated, fishing in my pocket:

"Errm, I have two quid?"

He immediately sobered up (I can't really tell behind that mask, but the sobbing noise had stopped) and he took the money from my outstretched hand:

"Cheers, mam! Happy Halloween!"

Mam? MAM?!! I may have been sloppily dressed, and horribly pale with work stress, but I assure you I can still pass off for a uni student. Alas, not only have I been officially relegated to Auntyhood, I'm also two quid poorer. I then watched the little cherub skip down the street to the following block of flats in search of his next victim, a little amazed that at the grand old age of 23, I had just been manipulated by a kid's (fake?) tears.

Ah, this doesn't bode well for my future teaching career.

stressing out.

Okay, somebody tell me what does 'coherence' mean in a non-tonal piece of music. Anybody? ANYBODY?!?!?!

On a side-note, my knuckles are growing bigger. I've been cracking them every 5 min and there's this immensely satisfying -cluck- about it, which makes me a very happy girl for that split-second.

And forget chicken soup - cookies and crisps do wonders for the soul.

Edit: And of course, how could I have missed the essential ingredient out - good friends! :)

Friday, October 27, 2006

today.

I had coffee today. And I ate a huge panini. And I spent today trying to decipher connections between random notes. Or rather, force connections. Create strands which would link between this page to the next, this sound to that sound, this meaning to the other. And I realized that I couldn't, and that everything is meaningless. I used to suspect that I suffered from apophenia, but I now know that it's not true. If I did, I would be able to wring coherence from the score, but I can't. Aha, maybe that's the point of The Rite of Spring. Forgive me for rambling, but I'm currently undergoing an aesthetic/artistic/musical crisis, and I question the validity of my Analysis Major. Dominic and Yang'en are right after all - analysis is not only anal, but it really is fairly useless.

Wednesday, October 25, 2006

keeping me afloat and sane.

Regret, determination, fiery anger and guilt are the only motivating factors in my life as of now. But they exert a very strong disintegrating force at the same time, and I'm about to fall apart from within - under the duress of everything.

I don't deserve it, but thank God for good friends.

Monday, October 16, 2006

We're all slaves to circumstances, some more so than others, and I don't know about you, but that makes me feel rather claustrophobic.

Even that pink tinge cannot block out the sensation, of that invisible grime of the past.

I wish you knew, I wish you knew just how much grief that had caused me. You are free to do or think whatever you want, but it's all been done, you know?

I wish she knew.

Wednesday, October 11, 2006

the untimely demise of Karl.

Karl passed away today. I turned him on (literally) and he simply ignored me! I had this screen which said that some stupid file was corrupt, and Windows XP refused to boot up. And I went hysterical - all my work inside?!?!?! NOOOOOOOOOOOO

Made an overseas call to Yang'en in a state of panic ("What do I do! What do I do!"), and followed his instructions accordingly (Owe you one, Yang'en). Took me an hour or so to buy some... err.. thingy which could read Karl's hard drive, and the rest of the afternoon walking up and down Tottenham Court Road to purchase another laptop. It's a Samsung model, and he's called Giuseppe after Verdi, so that I'll take better care of him. There's no way I can mistreat anything that is remotely connected to Verdi, can I?

All my work is safe, so I'm really relieved. That's all that matters! And of course, all my pictures, music, anime and manga are also intact. Still, I mourn Karl's passing. It's been a good 4 years of laughter, tears, spilt water, junk food crumbs, scratches and ants (long story). I will miss you.

Friday, October 06, 2006

paradox.

Many times, Yang'en and I have discussed how one only learns, or appreciates, the meaning of value through loss, and the magnitude of that lost value (which also becomes a valued loss), only becomes clear - all too clear - if you have the luxury to face it a second time. Not to have it, mind you, just to face it.

Yang'en has departed from the blogosphere, and I'm sorry to see him go - I will miss reading his Benard Shaw entries. It makes me rather upset, well, anguished really, that I'll have no choice but to delete this domain in a few weeks as well. It's been part of my life since August 2004, why would I want to let it go? But - imagine the consequences if my future students were to stumble upon this blog..? I'll be starting work really soon - in a few weeks. Maybe I'll move somewhere else with password-protected entries. I'll definitely share the passwords with you guys if I do so, but it somehow feels rather contrived, you know? We'll see how it goes.

I wonder if everything is truly inevitable in retrospect? But even that's too tempting and fatalistic a thought for me to accept. Too easy, you know? Too perfect. Everything fits a bit too neatly in the larger scheme of things, what happens to the square holes?

I know I have a tendency to repeat myself, but indulge me anyway - everything becomes heartbreaking when you know the tragic end.

Wednesday, October 04, 2006

whimsical.

It's 333am in the morning, my favourite time of the day. I like 333pm too, but that moment comes and passes by you so swiftly, and you don't notice it at all, just like how you don't realize it's been October for the past few days, just like how you don't hear your tutor saying: "We have to approach your dissertation from another angle," because the consequences are dire, it means the re-writing of many, many words and many, many graphs.

Anyway, don't you like the number 3? Gollum's my guest for today's talkshow, and he haughtily announces to the whole world on air that I'm a bigot for liking Three. Did I not know that the number One is the only One that matters? Everything has to be Organic and One and Only. With One, things can remain preciousssss.

Well I'm a bit affronted that he has just dissed my favourite number, but anyway:

"Thanks very much for sharing your valuable insight with us on this absurdly cold morning. Ladies and Gentlemen - I give you - Gollum!"

Popcorn to rule them all!

We have a mystery guest on our next talkshow sometime whenever Lynne decides to procrastinate. Which means it'd be quite soon. Be sure to tune in. Graphs are calling.

p.s. It's currently 12degC - but I will continue wishing, and longing for the warmth of the blue summer sky.

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

Old wounds hurt most, I learned this today, becaus...
She speaks, repeating the old litanies, of worn ac...
time skips
and it all comes together!
beethoven's symphony no.7 2nd mvt
again,
towards that something
In the alley of shadows and death
Masking Tape
another end of the world

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.