Monday, July 11, 2005

this is it.

In the last dance of chances
I shall partner you no more.
I shall watch another turn you
As you move across the floor.

In that last dance of chances
When I bid your life goodbye
I will hope she treats you kindly.
I will hope you learn to fly.

In that last dance of chances
When I know you'll not be mine
I will let you go with longing
And the hope that you'll be fine.

In that last dance of chances
We shall know each other's minds.
We shall part with our regrets
When the tie no longer binds.

- Extracted from Robin Hobb, Fool's Fate.

I've been spending the whole week rediscovering Robin Hobb's Farseer and Tawny Man trilogy. She is a fantastic writer of the fantasy genre, and all of you should go grab one of her books and read it too.

I actually went to her book-signing in Borders, London when I was in Year 2, and I was soooooo excited that day I couldn't stop bouncing around my tiny Bond Street flat: just ask Sunsun! And how I wept like a baby after I had devoured this book (I hate goodbyes), but that's another story for another time. Anyway, I got her to autograph this very book 'Fool's Fate', but she spelt my name as 'Lynn'. Well, it could have had been worse. Imagine if it was 'Lin' or 'Lean'. At least I can scrawl a letter 'e' at the back. The other alternative would be to change my name altogether to 'Lynn' but I kinda like my name the way it is, so there.

And so. In the last dance of chances, it seems as if there was never a chance at all. No matter what I'd like to believe, my will is not God's will. No matter how much I want to believe that my life is solely my own, it really isn't. You can't be so irresponsible as to say: "As long as I'm happy, who cares? I'd do what I like." As we all know, life doesn't really operate this way, we are all bound to the family and social hierarchy, and there will always be matters that are out of your jurisdiction.

But stubborn ol' me am going to force it, and try to make things go my way - so no matter what happens, I've decided to do my Masters. This, despite knowing that my family comes first and that it's time for me to stay at home. So I try to persuade myself - I've got my first-class, I've got an offer from Kings, it'd be rather wasted if I don't give it a shot. It's now or never. I'm applying for the MOE grant, but with ultra-smart people like Shihua applying for it, there ain't no way I'm gonna get it. But it's okay, my folks won't have to pay if I take a study loan.

But all these do not eclipse the fact that I'll be leaving them again, and the family burden would once more fall on my sister's slim shoulders. (Am I just trying to run away for another year?) But I promise to make it up to them next time. Somehow, I will. I'll bring in big bucks (as a teacher? -snorts-) and make sure they live like kings and queens in future. Okay okay, like minor nobility then. Whatever it is, you get my point.

In the event that all these grand plans fall flat, forcing me to hide my face behind a mask of embarrassed nonchalence, I'd be heading to NIE on the 25th of July. Blimey, that place is really at the other end of the world. But apart from the lousy, stupid, inaccessible, idiotic, god-awful location, I won't mind starting life anew there. Switching back and forth from my London and Singapore life can be exhausting.

But I'll take it as it comes, one bite step at a time.

And sometimes I wonder: is Hobson's choice even a choice at all?

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

mackie's here to stay.
updates and tagged.
'loss' is slowly tattooed onto my skull.
ola, ola!
v. long post and photo overload!
i am DONE with my degree:
practise practice practise practice practise
mwahahha.
lynne the blooming hermit.
i hope i'm PMS-ing.

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.