Wednesday, August 24, 2005

lynne the SO-NOT tranny!!!

My day started out innocently enough. Had lunch, dinner, bought some taiwanese vcds with The Sister, and watched Perth. Btw, it was a pretty good movie, although Jing and I started cracking up the minute we heard Lim Kay Tong's solioquy at the onset. It was just bizarre to watch and hear lines delivered in a Singlish accent on a big screen, if you know what I mean. It got pretty depressing after that, but I'm not providing spoilers. Just go watch it - it had some beautifully shot scenes.

Anyway, Jo and I were sitting around, pretty much bloated from snacks and water, and we needed to pee. Urgently. One gripe I have about Orchard Road is that there are NO public toilets around. So where can you go when you need the loo, at 3plus in the morning?

We went to Shaw Towers - closed. Strike one. We then headed to the Hilton, and the toilets were locked. Damnit, stingy pokers. Strike two. Left with no choice, we headed down to the infamous Orchard Towers, and there was this police car parked outside and streams of trannys and naughty-filipino-maids leaving the building. Hmmmm.

So we finally found the elusive toilet, only to discover much to our chagrin that it's literally a throw-back to pre-WWI days. Yes, it was that bad. The pink floor tiles were covered with a thin flim of black muck, the sinks were clogged with soggy tissue and drowned cigarette boxes, the toilet bowls were stained yellow and God knows what other substances, and to top it all off, there were baby cockroaches scuttling all around.

All together now: eeewwwwwww!!!!!!!!!

Jo and I were soooo freaked out, but a girl's gotta go when she's gotta go. We gritted our teeth and went into our respective cubicles. I don't think I'd ever forget the experience of trying to pee as fast as I can, as far away from the toilet seat as possible (I don't have to go into details), while keeping a VERY close eye on the two roaches that were 2 steps away from my feet. The speed at which they were scurrying around was so fast, that they can compete with Seng Song in the 100m sprint.

We quickly left the dingy, manky, rank and revolting toilet behind, passed by a tranny chatting up some white bloke and swore never again, while thinking wistfully about the clean and sanitary Hilton toilets just across the road. As we stepped out of Orchard Towers, we heard:

"Chhuuuuttt-chhhuutt! Chhuuuttt-chhuuutt!

For the uninitiated, it's the sound that ah bengs make when they want to get attention. They pout, and quickly suck in air through their lips and you get this annoying chhhuutt-chhuutt noise.

Anyway, this sleazy red-faced Chinese bloke who was obviously pissed drunk, started chuttting at Jo and I, and followed us from behind. Eeep. Never mind. Then he really started dogging our footsteps, right behind me. I quickly walked closer to Jo, and was two steps ahead, when he asked her: "Eh, your friend ah?" Jo gave him the ducal glare, and we ran off to 7-Eleven across the road.

This dodgy beng was more persistent than we gave him credit for, to the point where he followed us into 7-Eleven, chhhuutting all the way! By now, we were utterly freaked and grossed out. He stopped following us by the time we'd reached Borders, and then we headed back to Jo's car.

It was only in the car, when we came to a belated realization: I was wearing a (VERY CASUAL) blue tube top. I was wearing jeans. I had long hair. I'm flat-chested.

The minger mistook me for a tranny!!!!!

What's more, the two of us had walked out of Orchard Towers, and we all know that it's the hang-out place for trannies. They were ALL wearing tube tops and trousers. They ALL had long hair. Apart from the rich ones who could afford a boob job, they were ALL FLAT-CHESTED. Basket, just because I've long hair, wearing a tube top (a VERY CASUAL and DEMURE top if I may add) and flat-chested, does NOT mean that I'm a TRANNY! Fantastic, I always knew I would be discriminated against due to my lack of boobs! I KNEW IT! Bloody hell! Stupid men!

In any case, moral of the story: never, NEVER, ever, walk into and out of Orchard Towers in the wee hours of the morning wearing a tube top and jeans. Especially if you've long hair and a chest so flat that a Boeing 747 can land on you.

p.s. I'm now officially starting a fund for my future boob job. Donations of any amount would be greatly appreciated!

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

Jing, do not resume work!
You know, Singapore is THIS small, and nothing sta...
hong kong and london.
prague and berlin photos!
home sweet home.
feeling peaky.
I'm a graduate!
london, here i come!
I'VE GOT THE POTTER BOOK
rain, rain, go away.

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.