Wednesday, August 01, 2007

elegy; pavane.

I wish there was something which I could have said, or done, although I know that there probably wasn't very much. Even so, I recount our past conversations with such violent fury that I'm not quite sure how much of it was real or make-believe.

Was it me, did I not press further upon the matter, or could I have said something off-hand that had a detrimental or devastating impact? Because I know only too well, in that state, just how the most innocent and casual of remarks can evoke cold alienation, heartbreaking sorrow, bringing about the feeling of having the insides of your wrists slit all the way up to the tender bellies of your upper arms with an imaginary scalpel - with such exquisite care. All the more worse when there was no intention to hurt, those words spoken with such nonchalance, but they did anyway.

Unwitting catalyst, I never thought I was, but unfortunately - this, I have always been.

There are so many questions I want to ask you, and so many of them will never be answered. I can string them up and tie them in butterfly knots and hang them on flagpoles, but essentially, they boil down to why, and perhaps another why, and again, let's have another why.

Just yesterday, we talked and laughed and commiserated over things-in-common (misery loves company). You were sitting across me, your lashes lowered with your fingers drumming the table in a steady dotted rhythm. We laughed in perfect harmony (IV-V-I) over something silly, and I knew at that instant, that the two of us were great friends in the making. The potential was there. I don't think I was wrong, but I'll never have the chance to prove myself right.

The trickery of memory is at work once again, alongside with the damned retrospective reading I cannot help but apply to the events of yesterday. I cannot tell, I cannot tell just which actions were telling, or otherwise. Everything is exaggerated, illuminated, insinuated by my mind and I keep hitting the replay button - things I would have said, things I would have done, things I should have said, things I should have done. "The trickster tricks, and the trickster tricked."

Suddenly, all the what ifs have come real, you know? There is so much fear, so much grief, but also, so much love burgeoning from beneath. Excruciating, I can scarcely hold it all in. But we all make do. Somehow.

It doesn't really make sense, but to me, you will always be a what if. And as such, I will never forget you.

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

at the first; facebook is addictive
To capture, and set free, to be captured, and neve...
i tried, but they won't open (or close)
biting down hard.
two out of many.
My sister and I cooked supper earlier (noodles and...
i... i... just felt like posting this up
invisible filters.
trek the track.
mutation; woebegone.

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.