Friday, August 24, 2007

one bite at a time.

Jing has always bemoaned my passiveness, and to a certain extent, Jess as well. And this morning, I listened, and finally decided to exert myself. I made a decision. It's not such a big issue, really, but it felt as if I was getting somewhere. That I was, and am, changing for the better. No more pansying around, avoiding responsibility for myself and others. Just - doing it.

It feels good to take charge every so often, and it makes me realize that with each and every little act, I can regain control of my life. Those bits which I'm able to tweak and direct, anyway.

I don't think I'm all that strong, but perhaps, I have also underestimated myself. I am capable of ruthlessness. My talent for inflicting hurt does manifests itself in insidious ways. And in a very odd way, I've overestimated myself as well - so many times, I thought I'll never give in, but I did. Self-perception cannot be set in ebony stone.

My friends shouldn't have to hold my hand while I mend broken mirrors, whose fracture came about from my own incorrigible making. The glamour which had been cast over my eyes has my secret signature woven into it, and thus, it is only right that I acknowledge its presence, and then, dispell it from my heart and mind. It's not going to be instantaneous, and that, is the punishment and price I have to pay.

I spent a while browsing through my archives by seasons, not as a means of wallowing in nostalgia, but to remind myself of the promised repetition of cryptic sigils, that the truth is changeable. That words uttered so hard and fervently can mock by lingering without any trace of its past intensity. That secret thoughts will be forgotten, and unsung voices never heard.

The past is just the last breath that I took, and the tomorrow I long for may never come. But that's alright, good friends, music and alcohol have magical and restorative properties - they will make the unbearable tolerable.

Today is, once more, a requiem for the living. Shall we dance?

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

some more; paraphrased phrases from books which sh...
apathetic distillation.
the fallacy derides, the truth decries.
ulalame.
the process of enlightenment.
mending broken mirrors.
rolling my eyes so fast it's all a blur; running; ...
the unbearable lightness of being.
'and, so it is.'
again!

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.