Saturday, April 01, 2006

happy april's fool, and now the joke is on me.

Because I said it when it's obviously past noon! And because I often create situations of my own making, where I find myself to be a willing sitting duck of clay. But anyway.

It's holidays now, and spring is in the air. This means that it's going to rain every single day, and that I'd probably lose my brolly within the next couple of weeks. A fiver on it, anyone?

It's been dawning upon me since the last day of term (yes, I have no more academic classes till September, isn't it ridiculous?) that the sunny island is beckoning, and I start getting a cockroach of a headache. Don't get me wrong, it's not that I don't love the sunny island, I miss my family and friends, you guys know who you are. But, it's just going to be different. And suddenly, I'm filled with such immense grief, for the imagined loss of all the good friends I've made here, the academic lifestyle, simply living in London, and I have in me so many unspoken and acknowledged fears, about leaving the place I've come to call home for the past four years, and returning to a land which is now foreign to me, it is so extremely daunting and heartbreaking on my part.

Memories are no longer nostalgic pictures of time, but a perverse reminder of what it had been and what it could have had been. Momentos and keepsakes? A poor consolation of a epoch that has ended its time. Distance and Circumstances will have the last laugh, as usual. I've already suffered once at their hands, and it seems as if there is no escaping Fate once more.

For all my whinging though, I do know that I've been more fortunate than most, so I'll take the memories, knowledge and experience anyway. Better than nothing, better than forgetting, that the awareness of a shiny golden time which I had would always remain in me, and even if that means tainting everything that I do from now on, so be it. Maybe the day will come, where I will be mature (or apathetic or overly-heartbroken) enough to handle my own memories, instead of them provoking a sense of loss and tears in me, I can actually smile a beautific smile, and say it no longer hurts,and that I'm happy.

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

procrastinating! presentation tmr! nothing done!
perturbed.
Turning point, my turning point is here. It's funn...
it's not my day.
the hills are alive!! with the sound of music.
disconsolate.
i want money to drop down from the sky; window dis...
it's been 250 years.
like a black lamb led by the nose around the cheer...
i must be a wuss..

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.