Wednesday, May 10, 2006

climbing down.

You know, it took me nearly 3.5 years in London to make me realize that I actually love performing. I know, I know, such a belated awakening.

Thing is, I'd never been terribly confident of my pianistic abilities. Whatever little skills I may possess right now are painfully earned from accumulated years of hard work, and nights after nights of relentless practice. And despite all this effort, I'm still not as technically competent as I hope to be, neither am I very musical by nature (horrendous practical marks aren't exactly the most ego-boosting either). And if I were to say "I love performing", when I'm so shit at it, it's mighty, mighty embarrassing. Ah, the ego speaks.

This is why I normally choose to accompany friends or the choir, rather than to take centrestage as a soloist. Don't get me wrong, I love playing chamber music, always have, always will. It's actually far more stressful to be an accompanist than to be a soloist, even though it's great fun making music with someone else. (Yibin's Grovlez and Yang'en's Faure come to mind.) It's just that I've always felt that I'm not good enough to be heard on my own, not good enough to warrant attention to my amateur music-making.

So it's quite ironic that I only discover this anew, during my Masters year where I have no performing modules, where I'm not taking any piano lessons from the Royal College of Music (I do have an allocated professor, but I never got round to calling him somehow). Despite that, the piano and my soul are in holy communion every single day of the week, and all I want to do is to practise practise practise my life away. And it's the worst time ever! Not when I have gazillions of books to read and millions of essays to write before the BBC Prom Concerts start in July.

This confession only came about when I finally accepted that I will never be the performer that I wish to be. Let's face it - I'm never going to make it. Not at this age, not at this time, and certainly not with my limited capacity as a musician. I'm not being a pessimist perfectionist (or maybe I am), but it's never going to happen - or at least, I know I will never regain the minute 'peak' I reached during my final recital last year. But I shouldn't let that stop me from making music in my own boorish way, you know?

I suppose I will always find solace in listening to gorgeous renditions of pieces by the hatefully obscenely talented elite, and tearing at each beautifully nuanced suspension, but it will always be bitterly tainted green by my feelings of inadequacy. How I wish I can play like Mitsuko Uchida, or Martha Argerich! And I will always remain envious of the gifts that others have, and never be thankful enough for my own. Do you know how devastating it is, to love music so much, and yet be so terribly incompetent at it? Especially when you know that your best, is at most, second-best - trust me - I know exactly where I stand.

I'm not giving up though. Even though I'm awed and humbled daily by the great maestros, I'll continue testing my own limits, and hopefully transcend the physical barrier of my technical abilities, and the psychological ones which I have inadvertently set upon myself. My impertinent arrogance knows no bounds, and perhaps, I should be grateful for that. The other alternative would be to happily indulge in narcissistic self-pity for the rest of my life.

And of course, if I can't perform, there's always teaching, and there is such great joy and reward to be derived in the impartation of musical knowledge. To illuminate, to enlighten, to relish, and the consequent revelation in the eyes! Harmonious bliss and ecstasy in a very different sort of way. Somehow, I suspect my strengths lie in teaching, and not performing. You know how it is, pompous and snooty people conserve all their energy for the heavy criticism of other people, but never themselves. Ah well.

This has been a very windy post, but I suppose it more than makes up for the past lack of updates (Jess, I've finally blogged!). A shout-out to the blessed few who are having exams (like Jing and Vincent), here's wishing you all the very best!

p.s. It was great hearing from you Steffy, call me whenever!

blueprint

I will like to spend my days, as though they are my own, which I mostly end up doing in halves, for duty beckons, and I am answering its clarion call. Soon enough! I am also a veteran procrastinator.

fresh monodies

impending arrival, stressed.
i'm feeling whimsical.
updated reading list for easter part deux.
wales and an indulgent easter weekend.
reading list for easter, and delightfully cryptic ...
happy april's fool, and now the joke is on me.
procrastinating! presentation tmr! nothing done!
perturbed.
Turning point, my turning point is here. It's funn...
it's not my day.

previous rants

August 2004
September 2004
October 2004
November 2004
December 2004
January 2005
February 2005
March 2005
April 2005
May 2005
June 2005
July 2005
August 2005
September 2005
October 2005
November 2005
December 2005
January 2006
February 2006
March 2006
April 2006
May 2006
June 2006
July 2006
August 2006
September 2006
October 2006
November 2006
December 2006
January 2007
February 2007
April 2007
May 2007
June 2007
July 2007
August 2007
September 2007
October 2007
November 2007
December 2007
January 2008
February 2008
March 2008
April 2008
May 2008
June 2008
July 2008
August 2008
September 2008
October 2008
November 2008
December 2008
January 2009
February 2009
March 2009
April 2009
May 2009
June 2009
July 2009
August 2009
September 2009
October 2009
November 2009
December 2009
November 2010
January 2011
February 2011
August 2011
October 2011
May 2013

treatises on life

arty jen
betty boop
carmentica
charming-linn
chasing snowy cars
cheeky lynn
cheryliciously glam
clean and cute
cyclist-mad bass
darling dominic
feisty jing
fellow ditz-sista/porkSTAR
hail mary!
hell's kitchen
hero on the beach
h-Euge heart
hunky lenny
lipgloss queen
little cheryl
live n learn, baby
lolita lou
loony loon
mr popular
musically dan
m y s t j
phringe
princess tania
roger smurf
runaway pigeon
sabotage king jeremiah
sibling angst1
sibling angst2
spector dan
spunky tian
steffy bunny
sun-sunzzz
teeny wee-nee
weeeee, leonard!
yangtze yang'en

frivolous pursuits

for shallow ppl
for very geeky ppl
for the truly bored
spun prose
binary thoughts
past imprints
some stamps
montage of images
other memories

mulling over

And there were phlegmatic souls.